This Old House
by Asterie-Smiles
Summary: General madness at the Brotherhood house as the Acolytes, BH, Rogue and Kitty find out how much trouble one coffee table can cause. Pytro, with a cushy Romy not so sub subplot. C2, in which Pietro eats a sausage...
1. DIY Domesticity

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This Old House

by S_Star

Disclaimer: I can dream... 

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Rating: PG-13, maybe R later on.

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Pairings: Pytro (Pietro/Pyro), background Romy cuz I love it. Maybe some others, too, but they'll probably just be CPDs. ^_~

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Summary: St John's always playing with fire...it's about time he got burnt. Pytro (Pyro & Pietro) slash with a cushy Romy subplot. ^_^ This chapter: furniture for beginners.

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AN: Love to DKFairy for getting me back into the Evo-verse, although I'm not entirely sure it was wise... ^_~ 

This fic is for the lovely Storm-Pietro, who's been absolutely wonderful to me ever since I reviewed 'Fiery Speed'. I can't thank you enough for the confidence you've given me. *huggles*

Oh, and just so y'all know, Wanda and Rogue are friends because I like them being friends, and Rogue's accent seems to come on kinda suddenly but it's just that the first things she says didn't actually need to be Mississippi-fied. She is there for a reason, though... ^_~

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1 – DIY Domesticity

'Aw, fuck!' I yelled, not caring how much my voice carried. 'Fuck, Pietro!'

'Having fun down there, Allerdyce?' he asked, ceasing his motions and smirking at me.

'For God's sake, don't stop, mate!' I ground out, trying not to moan in frustration. 'You gotta finish the job before the others get back!'

Honestly, he was meant to be a speed demon, but he was going painfully slowly.

'Well it's not as if I've ever done anything like this before, y'know!'

I stopped and stared at him. 'What did you just say?'

'I've never done...this before,' he repeated.

'Y-you haven't?'

He shook his head.

'Then why the hell--?'

'Because I can't exactly do it by myself, now, can I?' he asked angrily, pouting slightly. 'And I thought that you could maybe, y'know, show-me-or-something?'

His last words were kind of a blur, but I got his drift. It was strange, he was always so confident: I had no idea that he'd never actually...

'Of-course-if-you-don't-want-to-that's-fine-too-I-just-thought-that-maybe-you-wouldn't-mind...'

It sometimes amazes me how little that guy needs to breathe.

'Relax, mate!' I said, smiling in what was hopefully a reassuring manner. 'Look, all we've got to do is stick _that_,' I gestured, 'into that hole.'

Pietro frowned and glanced back and forth between the two. 'No way is that gonna fit.'

'You'd be surprised.' I grinned. 'Look, trust me on this one, okay? If you just go...there, and I stay here, then...voila!'

'Are you really sure about thi—oh. OH.'

'Now you move right...there...FUCK!'

'Oh-my-God-are-you-okay?'

'Yeah, it's nothing...just keep going, nearly there, so close, that's it...YES!'

I collapsed in relief, a torrent of giggles erupting from me, and Pietro knelt back, a small smile appearing on his face. 'Oh my God,' he breathed. 'We did it! We-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it-we-did-it! Yeah!'

'What the HELL are you two doing?!'

At the sound of Avalanche's voice, Pietro dropped the flashlight he'd been holding and I realised just how compromising our position was.

Pietro was straddling me as I lay back in spasms of laughter, and I didn't want to KNOW what Avalanche thought we were up to.

'Hey, mate,' I choked out between giggles. 'Like it?'

'Like what?' he asked, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

I pushed Pietro off me and stood up, brushing dust off my jeans and putting down my screwdriver.

'The coffee table,' Pietro clarified. 'You see, it arrived this morning just after you guys had gone to school but it was flat packed so I asked John to come round and help me put it all together, and you'd better like it because there's a no-return policy.'

'A coffee table? You bought a COFFEE TABLE?!' Avalanche clenched his fists and a tremor rippled through the floor.

'Uh huh,' Pietro replied, folding his arms defiantly and glaring. 'We needed something to replace that chair you ruined before. Being avalanched out through a pane of glass hardly prolonged its life span! And you know that Mystique only paid for the window because Wanda threatened her!'

'Wait a second, we can hardly afford electricity; where the hell did you get the money for furniture?'

'Um...well, Lance, don't be mad, but I...kinda-used-this-month's-entire-food-allowance...'

Avalanche leaned against the doorframe in despair and Pietro stood the stillest I've ever seen him, tapping one foot against the frayed carpet.

I laughed nervously. 'Hehe, well, maybe I should just be leaving now, mates...' I edged towards the door but Pietro zipped behind me and pushed me between him and Avalanche: a human shield.

'No-no-no, stay!' he insisted, glancing at Avalanche as if he'd explode at any minute.

If he weren't Magneto's son, Pietro wouldn't have lasted two seconds as quasi -leader of this dump.

'Look, how d'you think Kitty's gonna react when she comes round for dinner just to find out that there isn't any?!'

'When's Kitty coming to dinner?' Pietro asked, peering round my arm.

'Tonight, you idiot! And there's even PIZZA STAINS on the walls, she's gonna think we live like animals.'

I snickered softly.

'Exactly!' said Pietro. 'This place is a sty, why don't you call her and put it off until some other time when we've actually bothered to clean? That way you'll have nice décor, some food, and maybe even gas to cook it on, if you're lucky!'

Avalanche just glared.

'Fine! Fine, I'll tidy it for you! It'll only take a coupla seconds, anyway,' he huffed, zooming round cleaning, and I burst into laughter yet again at the thought that he looked like Taz in that 'Space Jam' movie.

He stopped and folded his arms, smelling distinctly of pine. 'There, clean. But you've gotta find someone else to do your cooking. Better yet, why don't you do it yourself?' He was babbling now, not that that was a change. 'I thought all women liked guys who can cook? And clean? And make themselves useful around the house? You'd be like the perfect husband!'

'Or I could just ask HIM.'

I was too busy giggling to notice that Avalanche was pointing at me, until I felt a tremor in the floor that nearly knocked me over. 'Me? You don't want me to cook for you, mate, really!'

'Why not?' he asked threateningly, and it was Pietro's turn to laugh at the "help me" looks I was throwing him across Avalanche's shoulder.

'B-because I didn't know about the coffee table until this morning! And I don't even live here! C'mon, mate, please, don't make me!'

By that time I was being pushed towards the kitchen. 'Seriously! I can't cook! I always end up burning everything!' The door shut behind me, but I just walked straight back through. 'But I thought there wasn't any food left here!'

Avalanche turned around. 'Well, buy some, then!' He stormed upstairs, passing Wanda and that Rogue chick on the way down. I did a double take.

'Since when were you two sheilas here?'

Wanda rolled her eyes and shoved past me to the living room and Rogue – since when did the 'good guys' skip school, anyway? – gestured at Avalanche's back. 'What's his problem?'

'He's got a date with Kitty tonight and the cupboards are bare,' supplied Pietro, nipping to my side.

She nodded and walked into the doorway. 'That the table?'

'Uh huh,' he replied proudly, and I gaped.

'You KNEW about it?'

'Duh, of course Ah knew! It was kinda hard ta miss all the noise you two were makin'!'

'You were here the whole time? What the hell am I doing here, then, mate?' I asked Pietro angrily.

He shrugged. 'They insisted it was a man's job. Probably just didn't want to break any nails doing actual work for a change.'

Wanda walked in from the kitchen with a bottle of water and glared at him. 'Says the guy who spends twice as long as the rest of us on his hair every morning. And with super-speed, too.'

'What're you trying to say, Wanda?' he asked, folding his arms and leaning casually against the wall.

'You'd be able to work it out yourself if the bleach hadn't rotted away your brain cells.'

'Bleach? BLEACH?! You-take-that-back-right-now-you-know-it's-not-bleach-he's-your-father-too-goddammit!'

They continued to yell as Rogue watched in amusement, Avalanche's music began to blare from upstairs and the Toad and the Blob walked through the door, heading directly to the kitchen. 

At that moment I wished more than anything that Remy hadn't decided to get in the shower just as Pietro rang.

'There better be something to eat in here, I'm starving!' At the sound of Blob slamming the empty cupboards shut in outrage, I reached into my pocket for a lighter to calm my nerves, only to find that it had run outta juice. 

'Aw, FUCK!'

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TBC...

AN: ^_^ So, that was chapter one of the fic-of-many-titles.

First, it was called 'I'm Way Too Bored to do Physics Right Now'.

Then, it was called 'GPS – Gratuitous Pytro Slash'

Then it was called a whole row of expletives because I couldn't think of any decent names.

It was eventually named after a random TV show 'This Old House with Steve and Norm', which I have never watched in my entire life and probably never will (thanks for that, DK!).

This fic has taken many hours and many swear words to write.

Think. Review...

  
...And I'll give you a cookie! ^_^

PS) Remy in the shower...big SQUEE from DK 'n' me!


	2. Kiss the Cook

This Old House 

**by S_Star**

**Disclaimer: ...still dreaming...**

**Summary, pairings, etcetera, etcetera: **See chapter 1

**AN: Wow, I have had the most tremendous response to this!  ^_^ Personal thanks to all reviewers are at the end, but I just wanted to put a massive SQUEE up here!**

But I actually have a proper note (gasp!): recipes are from '_Step-by-Step Cajun and Creole Cooking_' by Carol Bowen, a much-loved book that took me about half an hour to find even though it was on a shelf right at eye-level. ^_^;;

Oh, BTW, there's demi-slash in here! YAY!  And the ROMY begins next chapter! ^_^

~WARNING: REALLY BAD CAJUN ACCENT AHEAD~

**2 – Kiss the Cook (aka 'Two Boys and a Sausage')**

_I am milk,_

_I am red-hot kitchen_

~ Garbage, 'Milk'

I was standing in the kitchen playing with the flames from the stove and trying to recall long-forgotten Home Ec lessons when Pietro zipped in.  'So, what're we cooking, then?'

'I dunno, mate, what've you got in the fridge?'

'Uh...' He checked.  'Two bottles of water, a carton of last week's Chinese takeout, and something that was possibly yoghurt once upon a time.  Can you make anything outta that?'

I sighed and took out the very last of my cash.  'Okay, go to the store and buy something edible while I try and remember how to cook.'

'Why do I have t—' I glared.  'Okay, okay, I'll go!  But I have absolutely no idea what I'm meant to be buying!'

'Whatever you can find, mate,' I said.  'Just get everything you can afford.'

At that point, Toad hopped in, his eyes lighting up as he saw the note crumpled in Pietro's fist.  'How much you got there, yo?' he asked, jumping over to get a closer look.

Pietro zoomed to the other end of the room.  'Stay away, Todd!  This twenty is our only hope of leaving to see the weekend!'

Toad stopped and thought.  'Twenty bucks?  You've got TWENTY BUCKS?  Can I hold it?  Please?'  He hopped after Pietro who again escaped.  'Aw, c'mon, just for a second?'

Pietro blurted out a 'See-ya-later!' before running – hopefully – to get some ingredients.

I was still trying to prove to Toad that that bill was REALLY all the money I had when Pietro reappeared a minute later and dumped three carrier bags on the table.  I gave Toad my dollar's change and he hopped away with a 'Thanks, yo!' leaving me to rifle through the shopping and come up with something relatively edible.

'SIX EGGPLANTS?!' I shouted a minute later, and Pietro crossed his arms defiantly.  'What the HELL am I gonna do with SIX EGGPLANTS?'

'Eggplant soufflé?'  I glared.  'Seriously, you never know when an eggplant's gonna come in handy.  Plus they were on offer, and since I only had ten bucks...'

I stopped and stared at him.  'Uh...didn't I give you twenty, mate?'

'Well, yeah, but I blew half of it on this.'  He reached into the far bag and pulled out a hot pink apron with the words "Kiss the Cook" emblazoned across the front.  'I think it completes the ensemble, although it'll probably clash with your shirt...' He paused.  'And maybe your hair, too.  But you should wear it anyway.'

Sometimes I just wanted to burn Pietro Maximoff into a little pile of blond ashes.

'Let me get this right, mate,' I ground out.  'You took all the money I needed to get a decent meal, and thus save myself from being castrated, and spent it on a 'Kiss the Cook' apron?'

'Well, you've gotta admit it's the only way you're ever gonna get some.  Unless you run round with a sprig of mistletoe, but it's April, so that's not gonna work, is it?'

I didn't reply, instead turning back to the food.  'There'd better be something edible in here, for your sake as well as mine...Lemme see, onions, three kinds of peppers, celery, bread—bread?'

'I was thinking ahead.  Some people are gonna want breakfast tomorrow!  There's butter and jam to go with it, too,' he added, gesturing at the surface.

I continued my list.  'Cheese, bacon, tomatoes...and a pack of six "extra large ready-to-eat sausages: spicy variety".  This is gonna be...interesting, eh, mate?'

'Well, I didn't know what to get, did I?  You told me to get whatever, so I got whatever.  And sausages, because I was hungry.'

I gave him a look as I searched round for the phone.  'Y'know, most people would just eat a packet of crisps or something.'

He shrugged and started to wrestle with the  packet as I spotted the receiver on the table, but he ran into my way.  'Uh-uh, line's been disconnected.  Here, use mine.'  He fished a mobile from his pocket and held it out to me, and I dialled home, praying Remy wasn't out with this week's girl.

'Remy LeBeau, je peux vous aider?'

I groaned.  'D'ya always have to answer the phone like that, mate?'

'Remy was expectin' a call.  What do you want?'

'I was wondering if you could help me out with something.  Y'see, Pietro spent all of their money on a coffee table and now I have to make dinner.'  I didn't make much sense, but I really didn't think it mattered: I was desperate.

'An' how can Remy help wit' dat?'

'You know how to cook!  And can you please talk about yourself in the first person for once?  I thought you were really making progress with that!'

'Non, mon ami, tha's not gonna get Remy to help you.'

'PLEASE, mate?  I'll do anything!  ANYTHING!'

Pietro was looking on in amusement and hacking at the sausage packet with some scissors.

'Anyt'ing?'

'Anything, mate, I promise!  Just tell me what I can make with celery, onion, assorted peppers, six aubergines and some sausage!'

A pause.  'You got any bacon dere?'

'Uh huh.  What is it, you got an idea?'

'Oui.  There are two tings you coul' make wit' dat.'

'And they are...?'

Pietro triumphantly picked up a sausage and I blushed and tried not to see the obvious symbolism.

'You might wan' write dis down.  Okay, first, eggplant pirogues, or second...John, are you dere?'

'Uh huh, I'm here. Go ahead, mate.'

I turned round and saw Pietro lifting the sausage to his lips, and I held the phone away from my ear as Pietro took the tip of it into his mouth, ready to bite.

'Uh...Pietro?'

'Uh huh?' he replied.

'Um...what exactly are you doing to that sausage?'

His eyes widened as he realised why I'd gone red, and he smirked evilly.

Remy laughed on the other end of the phone but I was distracted from yelling by Pietro slipping the unbitten sausage tip out of his mouth and LICKING IT.

'I'm enjoying it,' he purred - he fucking PURRED, how the hell am I meant to ignore the symbolism?! - and I moved away towards the stove, absently following Remy's snickered cooking instructions before anyone (meaning me) could get hurt...or just completely humiliated.

'Okay, mate, got it.  Can you pick me up around eight? I've gotta go...sort something out.'

'Don' wanna leave Pietro alone wit' da sausage, oui?'

I hung up on him and turned to Pietro, who raised an eyebrow and licked down the length of the sausage, eyes sparkling with a challenge.

'Well, we have two options.  We can go for "Vegetable and Boudin Sausage", which is...random stuff with, um, sausage, or "Eggplant Pirogues" which is eggplant halves filled with whatever crap we have and will you please stop doing that?!'

'Oh, you gonna make me?' he asked, head cocked slightly to one side and a familiar sparkle in his cobalt eyes.  

I smirked and took a step over to him, leaving the meat sizzling merrily on the stove.  'Sounds like a challenge, mate.'

It's always a challenge with him, but this time, I knew that he would be the one to give in.  He'd never challenged me before, and he was going to regret ever having done so...

...Or not.  He didn't shy away as I closed the gap between us, and his gaze didn't waver as my lips moved closer to his.

I'd pass it off as a dare, pass it off as madness, pass it off as anything as long as I could kiss him, because for some reason nothing mattered but the fact that my boss's son was standing in front of me with a fucking SAUSAGE and looking hotter than the bacon that was starting to smoulder in the pan behind me. I couldn't stop looking at how his eyes were turning darker now and how he refused to drop eye contact or back down because he wanted this just as much, and I finally moved in too close to see his eyes anymore, shutting my own and feeling his breath ghosting across my face and his sharp gasp as I moved one hand up to his shoulder to hold him and somehow even the warmth from his skin seeping through his thin shirt and I was in too fucking deep to care about anything except him and the feeling that kissing him now would somehow give me my breath back.

I was too near now for him to pull away, and all I could think was "Finally, finally" as I tightened my grip and brushed my lips gently over his cheek to their destination.

'Ahem!'

I resisted the urge to hit my head repeatedly against the nearest wall, instead jumping away from Pietro as Rogue stood in the doorway and glanced at him, me, and the sausage in turn, eyebrows raised.

She shook her head and held up one hand, which I took to be an indication that she didn't want to know.

'Um...y'all know that Kitty doesn't eat meat, right?'

The wall began to look even better.

'Which is probably good, since that bacon looks kinda...charred.'  She gestured at the pan, where the bacon had turned black and started to burn happily.

Wanda came in behind her and wrinkled her nose at the smoky mess, raising an eyebrow at Pietro and the sausage. 

'Ya'd need some kinda miracle to save this dinner,' Rogue continued, and Wanda put a bag down on the table.

'You guys owe me,' she said threateningly, pulling out a large blackcurrant cheesecake.

'Kitty's favourite,' added Rogue smugly.  'Now all y'gotta do is make some vegetable...thang...' She gestured absently, '...and maybe Lance'll spare ya lives this time.'

'Wait a second, Wanda, how'd you afford a cheesecake?!'  Pietro sped over to the table and poked its surface gingerly as if making sure it wouldn't explode.

'I have my ways.  Unlike you freaks, I don't like to sit around all day and hope for money to just fall into my lap.'  She smiled sweetly.  'Have fun with...whatever it is you're doing.'

As the two of them walked out of the kitchen, I heard Rogue mutter, 'Y'know that theory ya have 'bout Pietro bein' gay?  Ah think you're onta something there!' followed by muted giggles.

I put out the bacon fire before I felt too tempted to make it chase after Rogue, and turned to Pietro, but he instantly moved away and practically threw the cheesecake in the fridge, trying not to look at me.

'Think-we-should-go-for-the-eggplant-then?' he asked, reaching for into a cupboard, and Toad peered round the door.

'Pyro, yo, I hear that apron really works.'  I clenched my fists and turned away from the ever-more-tempting wall.  'Mind if I borrow it?'

I glanced round at where Pietro was casually emptying the final shopping bag and sighed, untying the apron and tossing it over.

'Knock yourself out, mate,' I said, and he hopped back out.

'If Wanda doesn't first,' Pietro added, pouring himself a glass of milk.

A shout of 'Toad!' followed by a loud "thud" echoed in from the living room as Pietro smirked at me and took a large gulp of the white liquid.

I allowed myself to hit my head just once.

**TBC...**

**AN: **OK, so, whaddya think?  Like the sausage? ^_^ I can't write a chapter without some kinda blatant innuendo! 

So, I was wondering on a more serious note (or not) whether any of you had any ideas about themes I could use for a game of 'I Never'.  If you don't know what that is, hence follows a brief explanation:

1) Everyone sits in a circle with a shot glass and alcohol for refills

2) The first person says a sentence beginning with 'I Never', for example 'I never kissed a guy'

3) If you HAVE kissed a guy, you drink your shot and then give some kinda detail, like who it was.

4) This continues with each person in the circle until everyone is out of their heads, and usually gets more and more dirty as it goes along...

This is planned for a coupla chapters' time, but I was looking for suggestions for things they could say during the game, so if you have any, REVIEW.  

Or, y'know, just review anyway.  ^_^

**THANKS TO:**

**Ima Super Mute Ant: **Hehehe, have you tried 'smurfelicious'? LOL, thank you!  Pyro does indeed rock... ^_^

**enfant-terrible: **Thanks!  And it will definitely be kept up: I actually know what's going to happen, which I pretty much never do in my fics. ^_~

**DK: **Sugar, sugar, sugar...what exactly am I expected to say to you here?  The rest will be written, and if it isn't great you'll just bug me until it is. ^_~ And you know very well there's Romy in the next chapter, so quit your whinin' and help me think of convenient plot devices! *huggles* Love ya!

**DemonRogue13: **Thank you! Yep, very cool pairing...there are definitely Pytro moments in canon (can you say 'Dark Horizons 2'? *g*), and I'm just a slave to their gayness... ^_~ Alternatively, if you meant the Romy, who doesn't?! 

**TrinityC: **You reviewed! Thank you! ^_^ I aim to mention Remy at least once every chapter (although he actually enters in the next one), but I'm afraid all I could manage here was his lovely Cajun accent... ^_~ And if it's mayhem you want, just wait until they get out the alcohol...*evil snicker*

**roguewannabe29: **More to come and definitely soon: the not-living thing scared me into typing at Pietro-speed. ^_~

**bitrona: **Hehehe, it took me ages to make that scene read right: I had about 5 people going over each draft to tell me if it sounded okay. ^_^ It's reassuring to know I'm not the only one with a mind like that, though...

GiniaTM: Your wish is my command! ^_^ 

**ishandahalf: **Squee, thank you so much for your review! ^_^ And trust me, the coffee table ain't seen nothing yet... ^_~

**Idgiebay: **Thank you so much!  I really didn't think I had the characterisation down, and your review was VERY reassuring. ^_^ *sighs* I know, there are very few decent Pytros out there, which is why I decided to try my hand at it and see whether I could do better (which remains to be seen!), although in all fairness, St. John is pretty much ALWAYS insane... ^_~

**SickmindedSucker: **Scarily enough, the Remy line wasn't added until I'd already uploaded the chapter: I realised when I was typing the summary that he hadn't had any screen time so I wrote an ideal scenario... ^_~ Oh, and how much do you want for one of those tapes...?

**Storm-Pietro: **HELLO! ^_^ Well, you deserved a mention: 'Fiery Speed' was the one of the very first Pytro fics I found, after about 2 hours of 'net searching.  I was gonna give up when I saw it and shouted 'SQUEE!' really loudly in a public computer area... ^_^;; Anyway, I'm so glad you liked it!  And I hope you liked the sausage scene in here...designed for everyone with a mind as dirty as my own. ^_~ **PS)** Hi to Mini-Pyro, although I did miss M-Pie in your review... **PPS)** Nooooooo, not EVAN!  *runs and hides in the nearest cupboard*

**CrimsonObsession: **Thank you so much!  Yep, very cool pairing and a whole lotta lovely potential ready to be exploited VERY soon... ^_~

If you've made it this far down, surely it wouldn't take THAT much effort to go to that little review button right there.... ^_~


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